Among the many things that sometimes help and sometimes become an obstacle is what sometimes goes by the name of “people wisdom”. For example, it is helpful that men be counseled not to use a hat in a building, particularly in Church. It’s not a major issue, but it has to do with respect and a long tradition related to hospitality. On the other hand, “people wisdom” can be an obstacle, for example when it insists that “God will listen to your prayer when you light a candle”. It is not a bad thing to light a candle at prayer time, but God does not need the candle to listen to our prayer – he is not deaf.
Among “people wisdom”, an area that frequently calls attention has to do with forgiveness. The expressions quickly appear: “he is at fault, he has to ask for forgiveness”. “He has asked for forgiveness, I have to forgive him now”. Even Scripture is quoted, “We should forgive seventy times seven”. Often enough, all of this is on target, but not always. To forgive is not to “wipe the
slate clean and pretend it did not happen”. Forgiveness requires the acceptance of reality. Someone once said, “we can not change what has first not been accepted”. Forgiveness seeks change. And forgiveness requires love.
Love can be confused with “making someone feel good”, and it turns out to be simply a case of codependency (if the person feels good, I will feel good). A case in mind may be that of an addict or a person who is the author of domestic violence. This is not the case of a love that makes the “other feel good”. A response has to be made with eyes wide open, accepting reality. To
love, with courage and support, may require not letting the addict into the home and calling the police when violence happens. It is not about “making someone feel good”, it has to do with doing what is best for the person’s love.
What follows next, is to be mindful that when we speak of forgiveness, reconciliation seems to be implicit. The truth is that forgiveness might happen, but it does not necessarily include reconciliation. The sad example is that marriage that never truly was and may never be. Without setting aside the paschal mystery of death and resurrection, the couple that dedicates itself to denying reality will condemn itself to constant attempts against the life of the marriage. Infidelity and alcoholism are two mortal poisons of a marriage. An author, Bergengrün, once wrote: “love is tested by fidelity, but finds its realization in forgiveness”. With eyes wide open, with help and programs such as Al-Anon and Alcoholics Anonymous, pathways are found towards
forgiveness and reconciliation, but also towards a definite separation.
Forgiveness is an expression of love, it is something that we owe one another, something that we all need. Christ teaches us, “and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” (Mt. 6:12). John Paul II, never tired of insisting that there can be no peace without justice and no justice without forgiveness. Dag Hammerskjöld, also touched on something profound when he said, “forgiveness breaks the chains of causes”. Without forgiveness, we remain imprisoned in the vicious cycle between violence and injustice.
With, eyes wide open, authentic forgiveness can only be an expression of authentic love.
Father Francisco Gómez, S.T.